Tuesday, March 27, 2007

procrastination or leisure?

Diana von der Jagd ausruhend
Joseph Werner

t'is presently very warm in this house of mine, this somewhat disorganized dwelling.
i look about and glance at the piles of paper work cluttering my desk.
slight resentment wells up in me since the paperwork, which i so loath doing, seems to be my job, mine, mine, mine.
i hate it.

i glance toward my glass of wine which is only partially filled.
the few sips i've had already have a slight effect on me.
i've not consumed anything alcoholic for several weeks.
i'd be a cheap drunk if i would actually let myself get to that stage.

my forehead is damp from the humidity which is building up in this house.
the windows are open, yet no refreshing breeze seeps in. spring has come with leaps and bounds and unrelenting warmth. my hope is that it will cool off again.

i've only worked half a day today since i've had two sick children at home, both with fevers........sigh. not very high fevers.
it's amazing how much they can play while having a fever but completely droop with the thought of having to go to school.

I've been wondering where all these thoughts I've been meaning to write about have disappeared to.
thoughts that drift through my head as i lay in bed or take a shower.
where are they when i actually sit down at the computer?
whoosh, gone.


sometimes i wonder about this blogging habit of mine
and the people
i've gotten to know through words.
i wonder if i would actually like to meet them.
i wonder about perceptions....how
i'm perceived online or more specifically the image, the mental image that folks have of me.
dont' know why i think of this now, since i rarely think about it.
and part of me doesn't care...the part that has enabled me to live in a smallish southern town
here somewheres in the bible belt.


i can't help but form mental images of my fellow
and it doesn't matter if they post photos of themselves or not.
the images i form are not necessarily visual which is very surprising since
i'm so visually oriented.
sometimes the images are more ideas of how i think a person is.
it's more about their character.

i've actually only talked to one blogger over the phone...
it was really surprising to hear her voice.
to hear her talk.
i was surprised by her voice.
i wonder if she was surprised by mine, by how i sounded.
it's funny, i almost didn't want to make the phone call.
i was hesitant ...
one of these days i reckon we'll meet.
i'll be nervous..
for a nanosecond anyways.

..and i know i'll be very nervous to meet other bloggers should the opportunity arise.
and to tell the truth, it's their perception of me that i feel i might disappoint.
what a ridiculous, self defeating, low esteem kind of thought.
not worthy of me whatsoever since i have a fair amount of confidence.

after all,

i'm just about as perfect as can be..:>
(except when i'm not)

so, on that silly note
i'll quit procrastinating
t'is not time for leisure
i reckon it's time ....
but the paperwork just isn't going anywhere.....
grrrr, yuck, yuck, yuck...



whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I know what you mean about those disappearing thoughts. I hate it when those great blogging ideas vanish into the ether. And they always seem to happen when I can't write them down.

I hope you finish(ed) the paperwork qiuckly.

X. Dell said...

If this was a blogger who lives in your state, then I have to say that I was also surprised to hear her voice for the fist time over the telephone. It's a wonderful voice, but not the one I would expect. Still, it was the perfect counterpoint to her online persona.

As to how I perceive you....

First of all, you have actually made an appearance in my dreamlife. Hoow you appeared there pretty much sums up how I perceive you. In the dream, we were colleagues, working at a mid-level management position in some medium-sized company. We generally poked good-natured fun at the incompetent and the inexperienced who came to seek our advice, and eventually wound up helping them out once we had our jollies.

I kinda see you as a peer, someone who is about my age, who has a good head on her shoulders, and a sweetly acerbic wit. I see you as someone who has a profound wisdom, having left little of what you have learned in this life behind. In short, you're someone I would like to identify with.

As to your personal attributes, when I read your writing, I hear a very resonant contralto with crisp diction that's perhaps exaggerated. The voice that I hear has a slight drawl, especially at the end of sentences that gives the impression that you're laughing at someone.

For someone like me, voices mean a lot. Ironically, my experience with voices after knowing someone only through texts is not good. I've gone 0 for 3. For example, when I first read Enemy, I translated the sometimes harsh tone of her prose into a harsh, raspy voice, one that sounded as though it had been finely tuned by thousands of cigarettes. Now, Enemy's voice is anything but. It's a sunny, melodic, fluid, and sweet soprano that's a joy to listen to. Yet, after I finally knew what her voice actually sounded like, I still heard Enemy's writing in the harsh voice that I had done previously. It took me about several months to integrate the voice with the online personality.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Sometimes it is our leisure to procrastinate :)
I enjoyed this post...my house is upside down from being in Indiana, and then Florida- and I leave for the NC coast with the kids on Saturday.
The house will be clean sometime in May! LOL (maybe?)

Speaking to you was a pleasure...
the first blogger I spoke to was X- He has a deep, full, rounded voice- he sounds as if he's been in a band singing around the world ;) (in a past life- at least)

You remind me of family. (X does too actually)
You sound like an Aunt or a cousin- and your accent- a blend of places between here, Ohio, and the land of my ancestors (Germany)-
You sounded like a friend :)

Now I have to read the post about your son...Lux blogged about it! :)
I've been rather consumed for the last few days-
The loss is such a queer thing- I feel out of sorts- and yet at peace. Sad...and still aware of the joy in my life.
Food tastes different.
It's all very strange-

Anonymous said...

hmmmmm...in my mind you're like my wise best friend ( meatspace friend) Anne. Maybe, this was the reason why I kept reading and reading and reading when I found your blog...

I don't see you as older than me...I feel like we are both nineteen
( yaah!!!)..I'm not kidding...in my kid we are both that age...I don't perceive any cultural divide either...for some bloggers I do...

I'm afraid of meeting other bloggers as well...well..not afraid..but apprehensive...I'm really a shy person though of course my meatspace fiends would laugh hearing me say this..but it's true..I hide it pretty well...

I don't know about my voice...perhaps....perhaps..one day I can manage to give someone a call...or..make a recording of my voice...

I would like to hear a fellow bloggers voice someday...

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